True fact: Root canals fail 30 percent of the time.
My dentist rattled off this bit of information as if it were no big deal, as if it were only worth mentioning now to reassure me that I am not alone in my failure. I wish I’d known that failure was a possibility three years ago when I had the original procedure. What I assumed was that a root canal was like setting a broken arm. That is once it was set, it wouldn’t spontaneously break again on its own. However, it is more like removing a tumor–that is the dentist is pretty sure she filled in all the canals and passageways where bacteria like to hang out, but there’s always a chance some hidden area escaped being filled in.
Enough about my tooth. The real issue is that I’m okay with failing, as long as I know it is an option. What I don’t like is the surprise failures. You know the feeling. When your 1989 Honda station wagon with 200,000 miles fails to start in the morning, it is a minor inconvenience. However, when the heel breaks off of your just purchased yesterday shoes, it is a soul-crushing blow.
These surprise failures have a way of sticking with you and making you cautious in ways that you never were before. Here’s a list of failures that I’m still holding onto:
- Being told I wasn’t the singing type by my second-grade music teacher
- Not making the varsity basketball cheerleading squad after spending all of football season cheering varsity
- My high-school boyfriend breaking up with me after I’d taken two busses and skipped school to surprise him
- Overhearing my college roommates planning ways to ditch me on what I thought was going to be a girls night out
Looking over that list makes me sad. It seems like my surprise failures are all wrapped up in my relationships with other people. So, maybe what truly sticks with us and changes who we are and how we view the world is when people fail us. I kept trying to think of times I’ve failed–and there have been plenty–but the thing about failing yourself is that you always see it coming.
Makes me grateful most of my surprise failures these past few years have been from inanimate objects.
P.S. This is not to say that I didn’t deserve not to make the varsity squad. I tripped in my audition, I’d just never considered that I wouldn’t. The breakup with the boyfriend made me cautious in love until I met my husband. The eavesdropping on the roommates changed the way I trust my female friends. And my second-grade teacher was right–I am more of a tambourine girl. I can’t sing on key to save my life.